True Story: Real life couple Shane and Emily were robbed of their life savings ($20k) as they were getting ready to become first-time homeowners during the height of COVID in 2021. As we all know, COVID presented a wide range of problems on a global scale (in addition to the devastating death toll) by destroying economies, industries/businesses and security. While struggling to make ends meet to afford their dream home, Shane and Emily (portrayed as Mark and Amy Rumble in Hacked), take on some seedy jobs varying from door-to-door vacuum sales demonstrations to donating bone marrow for a buck. It’s a relatively tough, monotonous period of time, but they achieve their goal and together (along with two mischievous teenage sons Ralph and Freddy) are on their way to a great start!    

Unfortunately for the Rumble family (and for us, the viewers!), this is where any “based on real life” situations cease to exist. Instead, we are thrown into a course of the most outrageously peculiar events after the pubescent bonehead boys cross paths with a fellow online gamer and smack-talk him towards a point of insane proportions. The hacking begins and ends within moments of this wild exchange of insults, leaving the entire Rumble household in the dark. Literally. All their devices and systems are now tampered, tainted and powerless. Not only is it crazy, but it’s the beginning of something completely strange. Completely weird. Completely….stupid.    

According to the couple, this movie, Hacked now becomes a “Make a Wish” yearn for retribution complete with humiliation, suffering, and full-blown torture. Ordinarily this would be a welcome component to a truly disturbing horror film. Yet, this movie launched with a goofy tone which never tapered off as I had hoped. So now, I must endure.    

With an endless array of farcical characters such as teen CIA agents, goggle-wearing disguised back up buddies, and even a super-powered Santa Claus, this thematic comedy spoof went off the rails without recovery. The ragtag gang of rednecks find, gas, and kidnap the perpetrator known as “The Chameleon” earlier than expected with a distasteful scene of bodily fluid mania, highlighting the extent of brief humor which made me chuckle. Being a short-lived moment of optimism, it faded fast…as did I.  

There are tidbits of similar cyber-criminal activity from the Central Florida Chameleon scattered throughout the flick. As this stirs the revenge shit pot through additional victims, it tries hard to illicit us in wanting to elevate the brutalization they’d all love to inflict upon this remorseless hacker. Once the Rumble family and friends have him in their clutches, pandemonium explodes in an on-going savage situation which frankly became totally monotonous. Due to the supernatural abilities of Mr. Claus, constant cruelty continues to agonizing levels. Levels of boredom, that is. Since it was difficult to see an end in sight much less give a flying fuck about any of these farcical characters bopping around the screen in a maniacal manner, I was ready to chalk up the hecticness to a bad batch of speedballs and call it a night.  

If any of the behavior I just watched is reminiscent of online influencers justified twisted conduct, then we are so doomed. And not just “disrespecting a deranged video game rival doomed”. I’m talking the final decline of western civilization as we know it doomed. But what the hell do I know aside from a decent horror satire, maybe? Hacked is a failed attempt at it. I guess I hacked up Hacked more than its antagonist.